


Just Tonight

by Minnicked



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 15:59:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13838160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minnicked/pseuds/Minnicked
Summary: So what does happen when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Time stands still, it freezes, until such a point that the reaction between the two forces can take place. Ultimately the unstoppable force always wins. Energy can neither be created or destroyed, only converted. Whether the immovable object moves or the energy contained within the unstoppable force crumples





	1. Chapter 1

So what does happen when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

Time stands still, it freezes, until such a point that the reaction between the two forces can take place. Ultimately the unstoppable force always wins. Energy can neither be created or destroyed, only converted. Whether the immovable object moves or the energy contained within the unstoppable force crumples.

It’s the equivalent to wrapping a speeding car around a stationary lamppost, or a flying bullet meeting its target.

BANG

The reverberations of a gunshot could be heard throughout the streets of Manhattan. The echo is the only thing Amanda Rollins can register over the searing pain that had caused her to slump against the standard police issue squad car before it had put her flat on her back in the middle of the road. Warm red liquid gushing from the hole in her body, soaking into her clothes.

She is sure she can hear panicked commotion and people screaming and shouting around her, none of it is really permeating her senses fully though.

The only thing Amanda is aware of is the ringing of a gunshot in her ears, the noise and the pain.

God the pain.

Amanda had always been an unstoppable force. In everything she had ever done, in her childhood, in the pursuit of her dreams at the academy, in her ambition to make detective. She has always been unstoppable. Sometimes even to a fault.

But right now, now she was bleeding out on the street from an equally unstoppable force, from a gunshot. One single bullet, straight into her body, her upper right quadrant.

Everything was beginning to fade around her. Amanda becomes acutely aware that this is how it ends. The deathly silence, the darkness. It’s all beginning to take a hold of her.

How she had willed for the strength to be in this situation of her own volition on one too many occasions. Never quite having the balls to go through with it. Now though, now she didn’t even need to think about that. This was it, this was the end.

“CALL A BUS.” Olivia yells at the top of her lungs as she runs from the precinct doors gun drawn, desperately trying to get to her injured detective lying bleeding on the street.

After what feels like an eternity, an eternity of fighting through a mass of panicking people, Olivia reaches Amanda’s side. The lieutenant kneels down beside the blonde, her gun dropped on the street beside her, applying as much pressure to the pouring bullet wound as she can. Desperate to stem the flow of blood, frantically trying to save the younger woman’s life.

“Liv.” Amanda mutters quietly. Barely able to make out the woman knelt over her. Her hands limply trying to grasp at her lieutenants arms.

It feels like deja vu for the seasoned SVU detective. She’d been in this situation before, some sixteen years ago. Alex Cabot had been shot on the sidewalk. The blonde haired, blue eyed woman, the gunshot wound, the blood, the overwhelming feelings for the squads Assistant District Attorney. Everything she had buried and forgotten a long time ago came rushing to the surface. The unwelcomed tears beginning to fall freely.

“Amanda, come on, stay with me.” Olivia pleads through the salty liquid streaming down her face.

Nothing. Amanda had fallen unconscious.

“You can’t die, you hear me? You can’t.” Olivia tells the now lifeless body beneath her hands.

She can feel the blondes heart beating, but it’s strength is waning. It’s weak, weak and crazily fast. Too fast. The unmistakable sound of sirens approaching from the distance giving the brunette the slightest slither of hope that they wouldn’t be too late. That they would manage to save the woman Olivia had come to care so deeply about. Even if she had never admitted to that out loud.

“You can’t leave me. I need you, Jesse needs you.” Olivia begs the unconscious younger woman.

She had done this with Alex, she’d never told the attorney how she really felt about her until she had lead dying on the sidewalk. And when the doctors had told her that Alex had died, well, there was no way she could go through that again. The pain she had felt that day was unlike anything else she had ever experienced. But here she was, it was happening again.

You would think being a detective would make someone realise that life is short, too short. That it could all be taken away in an instant, but that never seemed to give Olivia the kick up the ass she required to effectively say ‘fuck it’ and go after what her heart wanted, what she wanted. Instead she’d spent her life married to the job, never fully giving in to her own desires. Closing herself off. Especially when it came to relationships.

“Come on Amanda. Hold on for me.” Olivia continued to beg. Desperate for any kind of response from her detective.

The sirens were getting deafeningly louder, but everything else around her was eerily silent. The only thing Olivia could concentrate on was Amanda, Amanda and the sounds of the ambulance approaching. 

There was no way in hell she could take the loss of another woman she cared about. Even if, in the end, Alex Cabot hadn’t died, and had returned. Having the attorney ripped from her life had nearly destroyed the brunette. Nearly killed her. She couldn’t live through that again. She didn’t know how to, so she prayed. She prayed, applied pressure and tried to simply beg Amanda to just hold on a little longer.

Suddenly Olivia is being dragged from her position beside Amanda. Kicking and fighting to try to get back to the blonde. There was no way she was leaving her, not now, not like this. 

“Liv, relax. Relax, it’s me. Let the EMT’s work.” Fin tried to soothe, having appeared from nowhere. His own anxiety in full swing.

Softly he whispers meaningless words to his long time friend, holding her tightly whilst they both watched on helplessly as the EMT’s worked on their friend and colleague.

Over the years, Fin had seen far too many of his partners get shot or shot and killed on the job. He was going out of his mind, worried, wanting to help Amanda anyway he could, but Liv needed him to be strong right now.

He had also been through the loss of Alexandra Cabot. In an entirely different way, but he had experienced it all the same. He hadn’t been at the scene, but he had experienced the loss. The loss of a friend, a colleague. The pain everyone had felt over Alex’s ‘death’ had been horrific. Especially Olivia. At the time he’d put it down to his colleague not being able to save the blonde, now though, he knew her better. Maybe even better than she would like.

The EMT’s had covered Amanda’s wound with a substantial amount of gauze, trying to stem the flow of blood to no avail. She was hooked up to the monitors, a large bore cannula also inserted, the signs were all bad. Her heart was hammering, her breathing shallow. Her skin was deathly pale, slick with a thin film of sweat.

Olivia and Fin watching on in silent horror as the medics prepared to transport the younger woman to the hospital. Undoubtedly she would need emergency surgery.

“Go, I’ll follow.” Fin told her as the stretcher Amanda was on was moved towards the vehicle.

Loading Amanda into the back of the ambulance, Olivia knew she was going with them anyway. Nothing was going to stop her, so she hopped into the back of the rig, taking the blondes hand between her blood stained hands and holding tightly.

With the sirens blaring, and the second EMT continuing to work on the blonde, the ambulance made its way at speed to the nearest hospital. Mercy General.

Olivia had noticed Amanda moving between semi-conscious and unconscious whilst she was lying on the street. That hadn’t changed since the journey to Mercy began. The blonde had several times opened her eyes, unable to speak but clearly lucid enough to know it hurts since she was groaning in pain.

“What’s that?” Olivia asked the medic just as he was about to inject something into Amanda’s arm.

“Ketamine. It’s better for us to put her out of any pain for now.” He told the brunette, who nodded in acknowledgment of what he was saying. Her eyes hardly straying from the woman lying in front of her.

The instant the painkiller was into Amanda’s blood, the heart monitor started to beep uncontrollably.

“Shit. MOVE.” The EMT yelled both at Olivia to get out of the way and at the driver to hurry up.

“What’s going on?” The driver asked.

“She’s flatlining.” The first EMT responded. Whilst starting CPR on the blonde.

Everything from that moment on was a blur for Olivia. The ambulance came to an abrupt halt, the rear doors flew open, a mass of doctors and nurses invading the confined space as she was pushed out of the way to the street. Straight into Fins arms once more.

“What, what happened?” The older man asked stuttering.

Olivia stood there blankly staring at the rig.

“Liv?” He said trying to get her attention, with no response.

“Olivia?” Fin said more forcefully, seeming to snap the woman back to reality.

“Her heart, it stopped.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would say I’m sorry about the previous chapters cliffhanger, but I’m really not. However, rest assured I have a plan.  
> Also on a side note, Noah doesn’t exist in this story, but Jesse does.
> 
> Enjoy!

“Ok, let’s move.” A doctor shouted from inside of the ambulance. All the other occupants barrelling from the confined space of the rig onto the tarmac of the ambulance bay.

The next passing minutes are a flurry of activity and movement as the various doctors and nurses unload the unconscious and critically injured blonde from the ambulance and rush her into surgery. Lieutenant Benson and Detective Tutuola stand stock still, unmoving, watching on helplessly as their colleague is whisked away from them. Leaving them both staring into a void of nothingness.

“Come on Liv, let’s go wait inside.” The male detective coaxes after minutes of standing, watching the empty space that had recently been occupied by a mass of medical professionals.

The two seasoned detectives make their way towards the entrance. Olivia’s legs shaking under her weight as the severity of the situation hits home with overwhelming force. Fin pulls the brunette closer, trying to keep her upright on unsteady limbs as they move, until Lieutenant Benson stops abruptly.

“Jesse.” She says, her voice barely above a whisper.

“I spoke to Carisi on the way over, he is getting her from the sitter.” Fin confirmed, gently coaxing his long-time friend towards the entrance on the hospital once more.

Just as the two older detectives finally made it to the surgical waiting room, Carisi walked in with Jesse sat on his hip. Olivia observed the toddler as Carisi made his way across the room to where they were sat. She appeared to have be crying, her rosy little cheeks tear stained. Her behaviour completely out of sorts presumably not understanding why she was with uncle Sonny, let alone visiting the hospital. Although a mini version of Amanda, Jesse is still only two years old and probably very confused.

Standing, Olivia reaches out to take the toddler from Carisi’s tiering arms.

“Where mama?” Jesse asks with a quivering voice. Her bottom lip sticking out and tears welling in her bright blue eyes.

Olivia thinks carefully for a second before answering the young enquiring mind.

“Mama is with the doctor sweetie. She got a boo-boo.” The brunette finally says, whilst sitting back down into the uncomfortable, hard plastic chair with Jesse held protectively on her lap.

“I kiss better.” Jesse responded quietly, almost shyly.

“As soon as the doctor is finished. I’m sure mama would love that” Olivia told the blonde girl before Jesse nestled further into her arms. Whether she felt hopefully that Amanda would be ok or not didn’t matter right now, what mattered was protecting this little girl from the horrors of potentially losing her mother.

Hours of almost silence passed. Jesse had long since fallen asleep curled into Olivia’s lap. The brunette had become slouched to accommodate the additional weight of the girl she was desperately trying to protect. The position causing absolute agony for her back, but she had not been inclined to move and potentially disturb the sleeping toddler. Especially after she had cried out on more than one occasion for her mama throughout their time sat there waiting helplessly. Fin and Carisi had disappeared off a few hours ago, bringing back coffee for her and a carton of juice for Jesse. The cold, half-drunk cup still resting in her free hand rested against the arm of the chair. Jesse’s carton sat unopened on the table in front of her. The little juice box had remained her focal point for a long time. Her gaze trained unwaveringly on the cardboard inanimate object.

“Lieu.” Carisi called a couple of times, trying to get the brunettes attention to no avail.

“Let me.” Fin said protectively, softly placing his hand on Carisi’s arm. The older man carefully approached Olivia. Moving the carton across the table and sitting in its place. Still the woman’s gaze didn’t falter. He took the coffee cup from her hand, placing it beside him on the table, still nothing.

“Liv.” He softly coaxed, eventually drawing her eyes to meet his.

“Mmmm” she responded just as quietly.

“The doctor is here.” He told his friend, causing her to look past him at the fraught looking medical professional. His operating attire still on over the top of his scrubs, covered in blood, Amanda’s blood. The look on his face was unreadable as he cautiously approached the brunette.

“Ma’am, I’m looking for Detective Rollins’ family.” He told her nervously.

“This is her daughter. Her mother is, she’s in Atlanta.” Olivia told the doctor, her voice wavering and unsure.

“Ok, you should get her mother here. I can’t give you any details without her.” He told the woman apologetically.

“Uh, um, ok.” Olivia stuttered.

“I’m on it Liv, I’m trying to call her now.” Fin told her. Truthfully he had been trying to reach the older Rollins woman for hours. Ever since they had rushed his partner into surgery.

“Can you, uh, can you at least. Is she alive?” The brunette commanding officer asked, almost begged. The doctor just stared at her blankly, considering his options. “She’s our family.” Olivia told him, her voice stronger.

The exhausted doctor seemed to think for a second. Weighing whether it would be worth risking his job to pass on the information. He had dealt with a lot of police department shootings over the years, he knew how they all stuck together like family, but still he said nothing and gave nothing away in his facial expressions.

“Come on man, this is her kid that Lieutenant Benson is holding, she’s one of us. I’m trying to reach her mother, but at least let us know if she’s alive. Please” Fin pleaded with the doctor. The dirty blonde haired man held up his hands in surrender, carefully eyeing the detective that was rapidly losing his cool at the situation. He took a deep breath and looked around to check that none of his colleagues were nearby before looking back between Olivia, Fin and Jesse.

“She’s alive. But that is all I can tell you. And I shouldn’t even be telling you that so please just accept it for what it is.” He told them, quickly walking away before he could be manipulated to give them more information.

A certain level of relief washed over the surgical waiting room. Their friend and colleague was at least alive. It may be all they knew right now, but it was something and all three NYPD employees seemed to accept the news without argument.

Silence fell over the waiting room once more.

“Dammit.” Fin almost shouted a few minutes later launching his cell across the room causing Olivia to startle, and Jesse to awaken in her lap. The toddler almost instantly bursting into tears and calling out for her mother. Olivia threw Fin a glare before shushing and calming the child once more.

“Sorry.” He muttered. “I’ve been trying to reach Beth for hours, she just isn’t answering, and without her here, we aren’t getting any answers.” He almost shouted.

Naturally he was upset and worried about his partner. His concern causing Olivia to soften a little at the strain the situation was taking on the whole of her squad.

“I know someone that could help.” Carisi said before disappearing off down the hallway to make a call.

“Her mother made it clear last time she was in New York that Amanda wasn’t her daughter any more. The last time Kim was collared by the police.” Olivia told Fin, she had assumed he knew anyway, but wasn’t sure so clarified the point.

“So what do we do now?” Fin asked. “We aren’t going to get any news of her condition without that woman.”

“I don’t know. Let’s see what Carisi comes up with. If that doesn’t get us anywhere, I’ll make a call.” Olivia told him. She had had the thought that they would be put in this situation more than once since their arrival at Mercy, but she was loathed to make the call that would help them, unless there was no other way.

A few minutes later Carisi returned and informed them that his contact would be there within the next half an hour. Potentially able to help them get news of their colleagues injuries and condition.

“Do we know anything about what happened? How Rollins got shot?” Carisi asked tentatively, needing to keep his mind busy to try and distract himself from the overwhelming concern for his friend.

“Only that it happened outside the precinct.” Fin told him truthfully.

“No one saw anything?” The younger man asked.

“Gee, I don’t know Carisi, I was a little preoccupied with my injured partner lying on the floor.” Fin snapped.

“Where were you when your partner was shot Fin?” Carisi fires back getting angry at his colleagues tone.

“What are you trying to say?” Fin responded with anger.

“You should have protected her, it’s your job as her partner.” Carisi argued, standing squarely in front of the older man.

“Guys, guys, stop it, this isn’t getting either of you anywhere, and it isn’t going to help Amanda or change what has happened.” Olivia reasoned. Both of the men looked at their boss and muttered and apology before slouching in resignation into unoccupied uncomfortable plastic chairs.

“So we know nothing?” Carisi asked after minutes of deafening silence, warning himself a glare from both of his colleagues. “I’m sorry, I just feel so helpless.”

“It’s ok Sonny. We will catch the bastard, after when know Amanda is going to be ok, alright?” Fin told him, placing his hand on the younger mans arm. Carisi nodded curtly, before the room once again went quiet.

Exactly twenty six minutes after Carisi had returned from making his phone call for help, the detectives heard another figure approaching them. Olivia didn’t know who she expected her detective to call, but she sure as hell didn’t expect for it to be this person. Sitting there with a sleeping Jesse in her arms, shocked, her eyes wide and mouth agape, she took in the figure in front of her. It took her a few minutes to find her voice, much to the amusement of the person.

“Alex.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course I was never going to kill Amanda, but cliffhangers are my favourite! Don’t hate me too much for them. Apologies for the slow updates on my stories lately, life is being a bitch and my inspiration has waned majorly. Hit review please and thank you :) x


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I’m not sorry for the cliffhanger, but hopefully you won’t have to wait so long for this update as you did after the the last one. I have to say, I know nothing about law and I’m kind of making this up as I go along so please don’t berate me for it. It is Fan Fiction after all.

“Alex.”

“Liv.” The blonde attorney responded, smirking slightly at the surprised look on the slightly older woman’s face.

“Counselor.” Carisi greeted Alex.

“Sonny. Fin.” Alex nodded her arrival.

“Alex, it’s good to see you.” Fin responded.

It had been a couple of years since they had seen each other. Alex had been temporarily assigned back to SVU after returning from the Congo, working only a handful of cases alongside Casey Novak, before being promoted to EADA. The promotion had meant not prosecuting cases, but more of a supervisory role to other ADA’s. It was another step on the ladder towards district attorney, the end game within Alexandra Cabot’s career plan.

“What are you...” Olivia said, trailing off.

“Sonny called. I may be able to help.” The blonde woman told her friend and colleague of seventeen years.

“You know Carisi?” Liv asked unsure of why her detective had never mentioned Alex Cabot.

“I helped him study for the bar exam.” Alex told her before taking a seat next to the brunette woman.

“Oh, I thought Barba did?” Olivia questioned.

“He did. I was, another perspective.” Alex told her. Quiet extended between the two women as Fin and Carisi made themselves scarce, muttering something about going to grab more coffee.

“Alex, it’s been what? Four years? Why are you here now?” Olivia asked, not meaning to sound as annoyed as she appeared.

“We’ve both been busy Liv. Sonny called, I’m here to help. So tell me what I need to know.” The blonde woman said.

“Amanda was shot.” The brunette tells the woman sat beside her. The statement causing a subtle toll of Alex’s eyes. So subtle in fact that anyone else wouldn’t have caught it, but Olivia had known this woman a very long time, they had been close.

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.” Alex admonished.

“What do you mean then?” Olivia asked.

“Well, I know Amanda sought me out last month for help with her medical power of attorney paperwork and her guardianship of Jesse paperwork. She was in the process of getting it changed.” Alex told Olivia, not sharing any of the main details due to attorney client privilege. Something she knew she would break without consideration in this case if the brunette asked for details.

“What? Why?” Olivia asked, surprised. “And why you? Why not Barba? Or a different lawyer?”

Alex took a deep breath, that was a lot of questions all at once and she wasn’t sure where to even start.

“Wait, I have another question.” Olivia said. “Why is it that when you were shot, they told the NYPD of your medical status?”

“Because technically I was alive and conscious and could make medical decisions for myself. I told the doctors they could share information of my condition with you. I didn’t, however, know when I agreed to that, that I was going into witness protection and had technically been declared dead.” Alex admitted. Through all the years of their friendship, the two women had never actually discussed that night. Not properly.

“Oh.” Was all Olivia could say in response to that. Both women falling into a brief silence as Alex considered her next move. She knew the brunette was under a lot of stress right now, and her admission had just added to it.

“Amanda came to me, because she knew we were friends. She was going through the paperwork to make you her medical power of attorney and Jesse’s legal guardian should anything happen to her. She knows the risks of the job you both do, and since her mother disowned her, she wanted to make sure someone could make decisions for her and her daughter. That Jesse would be protected and not end up in the system” The blonde woman told her friend, then sat silently, allowing the additional information to sink in.

“But I don’t get it, why you? Just because we are friends? Why?” Olivia asked, before standing and beginning to pace with the still slumbering toddler held in her arms protectively.

“She knew I would tell you, even before it was completed. If the situation arose. She made me promise Liv.” Alex told the older woman, before standing directly in her path to stop her pacing.

“How many laws are you breaking right now to give me that information?” Olivia asked, looking directly into the blue eyes of the woman in front of her.

“A few.” Alex responded with a shrug.

“Why Alex?” Olivia questioned.

“Because you’re my friend. And I care about you Liv. I always have.” The blonde responded before taking a long pause, the next thing she had to say was going to hurt the younger woman, but she had to do it. For Olivia’s sake. “And I have seen the way you look at her.”

Olivia’s deep brown eyes went wide at the statement that had left the blonde lips. The brunettes reaction causing a smile to appear on Alex’s lips. She had known for a long time that Olivia was attracted to the woman whose daughter she was currently cradling. It was a lot of the reason she had distanced herself from her friend for the last four years.

“I don’t, I’m not.” Olivia stuttered.

“Olivia, stop. Don’t deny it. Life is just too short. Look at the situation right in front of you. Clearly, Amanda felt strongly enough that you would protect Jesse whatever the cost, otherwise she wouldn’t be making these steps.” Alex told her, smiling softly. Trying to hide her own pain.

The executive assistant district attorney knew she had missed her opportunity with Olivia a long time ago. Partly due to witness protection, partly due to leaving without saying goodbye after the Connors trial, and partly because when she came back she never bothered to contact the woman stood in front of her. She knew it was her own doing that drove a wedge between them, and seeing the way Olivia looked at Amanda, it hurt a lot. So she moved up the career ladder and tried, in vain, to forget about the SVU Lieutenant.

“Wow.” Olivia uttered, slumping back into the chair she had been occupying the majority of the day.

“How about we go find out how your girl is doing?” Alex said uncomfortably, the question earning her a glare followed by a curt nod from the older woman.

Standing in front of the nurses station, Alex pulled open her attaché, taking a file from the case and explained to the nurse that whilst Olivia wasn’t yet Amanda’s assigned medical power of attorney, that the detective was in the process of doing the paperwork. Alex explained that she was the blondes lawyer, and that the toddler in Lieutenant Benson’s arms was Amanda’s daughter.

After much persuasion and legal jargon on Alex’s part, the nurse finally relented and called the doctor back.

Upon arrival at the waiting room, Alex talked briefly with the doctor before they both joined Olivia.

“Ok, Lieutenant Benson, since your detective clearly has a highly priced lawyer calling the shots for her, I’m inclined to give you the information Ms. Cabot has asked me to share.” The doctor told her.

Olivia glanced quickly at the woman sat beside her then back the doctor before nodding slightly.

“Detective Rollins received a gunshot wound to the upper right quadrant as I know you are already aware of. Her heart stopped in the ambulance on the way here, which our medical staff were able to rectify before we rushed her to surgery. The bullet did a lot of damage. It damaged her right kidney, liver and eventually lodged in her lung. Appearing as if the bullet entered in an upward trajectory. We were able to repair the liver and lung damage but had to remove her kidney. She is going to recover fully. But for now, she is in a medically induced coma.” The doctor said while all the time looking concerned still.

“There’s something else.” Olivia told him, recognising his demeanour. He was anxious and clearly worried.

“I can’t share that with you, not until Detective Rollins wakes up and tells me it’s ok. It’s nothing to do with the gunshot.” He tells the brunette woman nervously.

“Oh god, she isn’t pregnant is she?” Olivia asks.

“No. Now stop asking. I cannot and will not tell you.” The doctor says with a faint smile.

“Can we see her doctor?” Alex asks after sitting quietly through all the doctor had been telling her friend.

“Sure. She’s in the ICU, room 201.” He tells Alex before disappearing back down the hallway.

“I’ll wait here for Fin and Carisi. Take Jesse to see her mother.” Alex said softly, dragging Olivia from her thoughts of the woman lying drugged in the hospital bed upstairs.

Alex sat quietly contemplating everything that she had been told by the doctor. Especially the severity of Amanda’s condition and the consequences going forward. Being the younger woman’s lawyer, she had been privy to the piece of information the doctor hadn’t share with the brunette Lieutenant. The reason why the doctors were keeping Amanda in a medically induced coma for now. She didn’t want Olivia to find out like this, that was something she needed to hear from the younger detective herself. Not from the doctors and definitely not from herself.

“Hey Alex, where’s Liv?” Fin asked as he and Carisi entered the waiting room once more, his voice pulling the blonde attorney back to reality.

“She’s gone to see Amanda with Jesse.” The woman told the two men now standing in front of her.

“So you managed to get them to tell her what’s happening with Amanda?” Fin asked.

“Uh huh.” Alex responded vaguely.

“I knew you would. That’s why I called you. Amanda told me briefly what she was doing.” Carisi said with a pleased tone.

“What’s he on ‘bout Alex?” Fin asked, now confused.

“Amanda is making Liv her medical power and attorney and Jesse’s legal guardian should anything ever happen to her. Since her mother, you know.” The blonde clarified, earning a nod from Fin.

“Are you ok?” Fin asked quietly, sitting beside Alex and placing his hand on top of hers that was resting on her leg. “I know this has to be hard for you.”

“I’m ok. Olivia deserves to be happy, and that isn’t with me, not anymore.” Alex tells him, giving the detective a sad smile.

“But still, Alex. This can’t be easy for you.” He says softly, giving her hand a small squeeze.

“No, but it is what it is.” The blonde woman says before standing and collecting her belongings, leaving the hospital without a backwards glance.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not an evil person.... but I fully intend to drag out knowing what is wrong with Amanda for at least another chapter whilst I research the point.

As Olivia made her way to the second floor, the floor that encapsulated the hospitals intensive care unit, she thought back over the last god knows how many hours. Amanda being shot, the ambulance ride, her heart stopping, the waiting, the unknown. Jesse. The toddler crying out for her mama. Alex showing up, seeing the attorney for the first time in four years had been confusing and overwhelming. Especially finding out that she was helping Amanda. That she knew how Olivia felt about her detective, even though she had never told anyone or acted on it. Getting information from the doctor, the relief at finding out Amanda was not dead. The long road of recovery ahead. And then, then there was the piece of information regarding Amanda’s condition that no one was sharing. Olivia would have to wait for the woman to be woken up if she wanted to know that. She wondered if Alex had been told, as Amanda’s lawyer, did her long term friend know the full extent of her detectives condition?

It was all too much to absorb. Too much to take in. But Olivia had to keep it together. She had Jesse to look after for a little while. At least while Amanda was in the hospital.

As the brunette woman approached the door to Amanda’s room, she hesitated. Was taking Jesse in here really the best thing for the toddler? She didn’t think it was, but she also couldn’t not let the little blonde haired girl see her mother. Not after she had spent the limited time she’d been awake calling and crying out for Amanda. Even though she probably wouldn’t understand, Olivia needed to try and explain that the toddler was going to stay at her house for a while, and she needed to see why.

Taking a deep steadying breath to prepare herself for the sight of the woman she loves in a hospital bed, Olivia reaches out for the door. Pushing it open carefully.

Standing in the doorway, Jesse in one arm, the other hand holding the door open, Olivia scans the room, taking in the clinically clean surroundings, the bright white walls, the beeping of machines, the number of wires, the pale blue blanket. Eventually her eyes meet the unconscious woman in the bed. Various tubes and wires protruding from her body, a breathing tube in her mouth. The smallness of her body, lead flat on her back under the light blue blanket. Her arms tucked under the covers, her cheeks sunken, the paleness of her skin.

In a split second decision, Olivia turns and leaves the room. Unable to take the sight of the woman she is so attracted to clinging to life.

Leaning against the wall beside the door, Olivia slumps to the floor. Tears brimming in her eyes, Jesse cradled tightly in her arms.

Of course that would be the moment the toddler would choose to wake up.

“Livvy.” Jesse spoke sleepily.

Quickly wiping her eyes, dark brown eyes met the bright blue orbs of the child. Of course she had Amanda’s eyes. Jesse was basically Amanda’s mini me, and as much as it was hard to see a much younger version of the woman she loved staring back at her, it also provided some comfort.

“Livvy sad?” Jesse questioned. Olivia just nodded slowly, whilst the blonde toddler snuggled into her body further. Providing comfort the only way a child would know how.

They sat for a few minutes in silence. Olivia almost thought Jesse had fallen asleep again until the toddler wriggled from her tight grasp to look at the woman again.

“Where mama?” Jesse asked for what must have been the fiftieth time that day.

“Mama got hurt, remember?” Olivia asked, Jesse nodding in acknowledgment.

“I kiss mama’s boo-boo better.” Jesse confirmed, clearly remembering the earlier conversation.

Olivia had to get it together. If for no other reason than for Jesse. The toddler needed her to be strong right now, and being strong didn’t involve sitting in a hospital corridor, crying.

“Shall we go see mama?” Olivia asked Jesse with a small smile. Trying to appear calm and relaxed, to avoid the child getting anxious.

“Mama.” Jesse squealed excitedly.

Olivia couldn’t help but smile at the toddlers enthusiasm at seeing her mother. It was somewhat contagious. Even if it was difficult to see the perceptibly strong woman looking so fragile in her hospital bed.

“Jesse. Mama can’t talk right now. She is sleeping, but we can sit with her for a while and I’m sure she would like to hear you talking to her. Even if she can’t talk back.” Olivia tried to explain in the simplest terms she could find.

“Mama sleep cuz boo-boo?” Jesse asked

“Exactly. And she will look scary, but it’s still mama ok?” Olivia tried to prepare the toddler.

“Kiss mama boo-boo.” Jesse clarified, causing a small smile to grace Olivia’s face.

The woman knew the toddler didn’t really understand but she hoped she would have explained in a way that at least prepared her for what she was about to see. She hoped it wouldn’t traumatise the child.

“Ok, let’s go see mama.” Olivia said, trying to reign in her own emotions and at least appear strong for the child.

Standing, Olivia took Jesse’s hand and led her to the door of the room Amanda was in. She hesitated momentarily to look at the toddler and ask if she was ready, the child smiling and nodding excitedly. Slowly pushing the door open, they made their way into the room and approached the side of the hospital bed, the child’s hand firmly held in Olivia’s.

When they reached the side of the bed, Olivia crouched down and lifted Jesse up so she could see the injured woman, her mother.

“Mama sleep.” Jesse said.

“Yes sweetie, mama sleeping.” Olivia confirmed.

“What that?” The toddler asked, pointing to the tube in Amanda’s mouth.

“That’s to help mama breathe because of her boo-boo.” Olivia explained carefully. Truth be told she didn’t really know why Amanda still had the breathing tube. She had assumed it was because of the bullet damaging her lung, or because she was in a medically induced coma. 

“I kiss better?” Jesse asked again. The question caused Olivia to move a little closer to the edge of the bed and leave the toddler over so she could place a kiss on Amanda’s head. Jesse kissed Amanda’s head with a level of tenderness that the brunette hadn’t expected from such a young child.

“Mama better.” Jesse said to Amanda, with no response.

At that moment Fin and Carisi entered the room. Carisi stopped suddenly in front of Fin as his eyes met the sight of Amanda, causing the older man to walk straight into him. The commotion caused their commanding officer to look at them. Carisi’s complexion has gone a ghostly shade of white, whilst Fin, his usual stoic self looked mildly hurt and upset but otherwise normal.

“Carisi, can you take Jesse outside for a few minutes please?” Olivia asked, both for the toddlers sake and her youngest squad members. He looked like he was going to barf any second. He nodded shakily, before taking the toddler from his boss.

“Come play with uncle Sonny Jess.” The young man said as he held her close to him before leaving the room.

Once alone, Olivia pulled up a chair and sat beside Amanda’s bed.

“How is Jesse?” Fin asked.

“She doesn’t understand, thankfully.” Olivia told him.

“Small mercies.” The older man said, Olivia nodding in return. “So, uh, what’s the damage?”

“Alex didn’t tell you?” Olivia asked, surprised that she hadn’t.

“No, we talked for a minute then she left.” Fin told his friend.

“Oh.” Olivia said, confused. “Well, bullet hit her liver, kidney and lung. They removed the kidney. And they have put her in a medically induced coma.”

“That the short version?” Fin asked, somewhat confused himself about his partners injuries.

“Yeah. You know the rest of what they told me. She was shot, her heart stopped.” The brunette said, he eyes glued to the woman in the bed.

“Why the coma?” Fin asked.

“I don’t know. They won’t tell me. All they could tell me is the damage the shooting did. Anything else I have to wait for Amanda to be woken up.” The brunette said.

“How long?” The older man asked.

“No idea. They didn’t say.” Olivia told him. “Hey Fin.” 

“Yeah.” He answered.

“You know this isn’t your fault right?” Olivia asked, dragging her eyes from the blonde to her long term friend.

“It feels like it. She’s my partner. Carisi was right, I should have protected her.”

“She’s stubborn and feisty. Even with Jesse to consider she would always put herself in this situation over anyone else. She’s selfless.” Olivia reasoned. She always was the voice of reason.

“And now that little girl may lose her mother.” Fin said, a tear trickling down his face.

“She won’t, Amanda’s a fighter.” Olivia confirmed. “She has to fight, Jesse needs her.”

A moment of silence fell over the room, the only noises coming from the respirator and the steady beeping of the heart rate monitor.

“I need her.” Olivia whispered.

“Come on Liv, you need to get Jesse home and fed. The poor girl is probably starving, she hasn’t eaten in hours. Let me take you by Amanda’s to grab some things for Jesse and drop you both home.” The older man told her.

“Maybe she’ll be more comfortable at home? I can stay at Amanda’s with Jesse.” Olivia told him. “And she needs to keep some semblance of a routine, even with Amanda in here.”

“Maybe. I’ll give you a minute alone.” Fin said leaving the room quietly.

Olivia watched Amanda for a minute, unsure of what to do or say. No words were ever going to ease the pain she was feeling right now, and nothing was going to help Amanda. She took a deep breath, standing beside the blonde woman’s bed. Carefully she brushed the pad of her thumb over Amanda’s cheek.

“I’ll protect and care for Jesse, but you have to get better. That little girl needs her mother more than anyone else in the world. Fight for her Amanda, fight for me. We both need you.” Olivia told the younger blonde woman.

She placed a soft kiss to the woman’s forehead, before turning to leave. Just as she reached the door, Olivia turned back, taking one last look at the woman she loved, hoping it wouldn’t be the last time she saw her alive, albeit unconscious.

“I love you Amanda.” And with that statement, she left.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay in updating. It’s been a crazy snow filled week, anyway I’m finally back and now I have a laptop so will hopefully be able to update sooner since I hate writing on my phone.
> 
> Enough about me, enjoy!

Just over two weeks had passed since Amanda’s shooting. Seventeen agonising days of the blonde woman remaining in a medically induced coma. Olivia had been visiting with Jesse on a daily basis, trying to ease any fears the little girl may or may not have had about whether her mama was gone for good. It had been hard on both of them. Jesse had cried nearly every night when they left the hospital, the toddler calling out for her mother at the top of her little lungs. The pain and anguish of the child’s cries, causing Olivia to also break down on more than one occasion. The brunette hated that she was having to take the child away from her mother, but at present there were no other options.

The last few days, the doctor has been talking about waking Amanda up. That little idea was the only thing currently holding the Lieutenant of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit together. The squad had got nowhere investigating the shooting and they needed Amanda awake to see if she remembered anything at all. Whilst unlikely at this point, the hope that Olivia had, both at catching the perpetrator and at seeing Amanda’s blue eyes open, it was consuming. Those eyes, they occupied every moment that Olivia’s attention wasn’t taken up by the other woman’s child.

Even now, as she sits at her desk, behind the closed office door. The older woman’s thoughts are taken over by Amanda. Unable to concentrate on her paperwork, or any other case except her blonde detectives. It was definitely fair to say, Olivia was obsessed.

Standing from her desk, Olivia makes her way out into the squad room and towards the coffee. The caffeine was needed, she hadn’t had a full night’s sleep since before the shooting. What sleep she had managed to get was consumed with dreams of Amanda lying lifeless on the ground, her heart stopping, the doctor telling her she hadn’t survived surgery. It was all too much. Amanda was alive, Olivia knew it, but her subconscious was intent on making her feel the loss of the younger woman.

“How you doing, Liv?” Fin asked, having stepped up beside her without Olivia having realised. The intrusion of the voice to her thoughts causing her to waste the hot cover over her hand. Olivia hissed in pain.

“Shit, Liv I’m sorry. Let me see, are you ok?” Fin asks, reaching for some napkins to mop up the hot brown liquid. Carefully he dabs the remnants of coffee from Olivia’s now red tinged skin.

“It’s ok.” Olivia half snaps, waving her hand around out of the way of Fins perplexed gaze.

Quickly, Olivia grabs her coffee and heads back to her office, slamming the door in her wake. Fin remaining stunned in place, helpless to do anything but watch the retreating figure of his friend and boss.

Within seconds of Olivia sitting back in her chair, the shrill ringing of her cell causes her to again startle and spill her coffee. This time in spectacular style sending the liquid pouring across her desk. Covering all her paperwork, her cell and her laptop in the process. Hastily, the flustered lieutenant grabs her cell, answering the call without so much as looking at the caller ID.

“Benson.” She snaps into the receiver.

“Jeez Olivia, I thought I was going to lose my ear there for a second.” The voice says at the other end of the call, causing the woman to furrow her brow in confusion as she quickly removes the phone from her ear to check who is calling her.

“Sorry Murphy, what can I do for you?” She asks, her tone appearing calmer than she feels.

“I heard about Amanda. Is she ok? Is my daughter ok?” The man asks. Instantly riling Olivia.

“Amanda will pull through, and Jesse is fine, I’ve been taking care of her.” Olivia tells Declan, trying to tamp down the jealousy she feels at the fact this man is Amanda’s daughters father.

“I’m on my way back to the city. I should be there for them both.” He tells Olivia, the woman’s anger automatically rising, both from the jealousy and the fact that he is calling seventeen days after the fact.

“Why?” Olivia snaps, not bothering to hide the feelings she is currently experiencing.

“Because I care about them both. I should have been there anyway.” He tells her.

“Let’s be honest Murphy, just how many times have you seen your daughter since she was born?” Olivia shouts into the receiver of the phone.

Before Declan Murphy has chance to respond, Olivia’s office door flies open. Fin stepping into the room and closing it behind him.

“Liv, give it to me.” Fin says, his hand outstretched. Eyeing him for a second, she hands over her cell and leans back in her chair. The palms of her hands pressed hard against her eyes. Olivia is always so calm and collected, but this situation had caused her to lose her temper. Usually, even when she is angry, she’s the silent type. Brooding on her anger instead of letting it erupt like a volcano. Something that is as rare as flying pigs. She takes deep breaths, keeping her hands over her eyes, listening intently to the blood pounding in her ears. The anger clearly coursing through her veins for the whole world to see.

“Liv.” Fin says after hanging up the call with Lieutenant Murphy, with no response from his friend.

“Liv.” He tries again a little louder.

“Mmmm.” The woman responds, dropping her hands from her face to look at the longest serving member of her squad.

“The hospital called, they asked for you to go down as soon as you could. Now come on, grab your coat, lets go.” Fin told her, whilst handing her back her cell. As he did, he noticed the coffee seeping into her paperwork on her desk. He turned on his heel and quickly left the office to collect his own jacket.

“Carisi, dude. Can you clean the coffee up on Liv’s desk whilst I drive her to Mercy please?” He asked the young man discreetly.

“Sure Serg. Everything ok?” He asked.

“Yeah, the doc rang. Wants Liv there A-SAP.” The older man told his younger colleague.

“You’ll keep me up to date?” He asked nervously.

“Of course, man. Thanks for holding down the fort.” He said as Olivia appeared at her door. “You ready?”

“No but let’s go.” Olivia told Fin, before heading to the elevator.

Twenty minutes later, Olivia and Fin were walking through the doors to the intensive care unit and making their way towards Amanda’s room. Upon entering the room, the two detectives found the doctor checking over their friend and colleague.

“What’s going on Doctor?” Olivia asked.

“Lieutenant, Detective. I’m just checking on Detective Rollins wounds. She’s healing well.” The doctor told them whilst continuing to check Amanda’s incision sights and vitals.

“You called us down here to tell us something we already know?” Olivia asked shortly.

“Liv.” Fin admonished softly, placing his hand on her upper arm to calm her.

“No, actually. I called you down here, because ninety minutes ago I stopped the pentobarbital. I have also just removed her breathing tube.” He said.

“Meaning?” Fin asked.

“Meaning, before long your detective will be awake.” The doctor clarified the medical speak in layman’s terms.

“What?” Olivia asked, confused by what the doctor was saying.

“Amanda should be awake soon.” The doctor clarified again before leaving Olivia and Fin to take in what he had just said. Both of them looking at Amanda for the first time in over two weeks without the breathing machine. The tube no longer obscuring half of her face. The paleness of her complexion now fully visible for them to see.

“Liv, sit down, stay with her. I’ll go and let Carisi know what’s going on.” Fin said after a couple of minutes of quiet.

The lieutenant didn’t budge a millimetre. Seemingly still taking in the words of the doctor. The dismay and surprise written all over her face.

“Liv, come on.” Fin prompted, nudging his friend carefully towards the left-hand side of Amanda’s bed. He carefully pulled up the chair and helped her sit. Once she was positioned in the chair, Olivia instinctively took Amanda’s hand, being careful to avoid the wires and tubes without so much as blinking. An impulse action that she had done every day for the last seventeen days.

Fin quietly left the room with the full intention of going to update Carisi as he had just told his lieutenant. However, as the news that the doctor had just given finally settled within his brain, he knew he had to go and get Jesse. Amanda would want to see her daughter. Quickly sending Carisi a text to update him on Amanda, he headed to Amanda’s apartment to get the toddler from the sitter. Making sure to be as quick as possible in completing his mission.

“Je” A sudden quiet noise drew Olivia from her deep thought. Her eyes shooting from the place on the floor they had been boring into to look at the woman lying in the bed in front of her.

“Amanda.” Olivia questioned quietly, not really believing that she heard anything since the woman still had her eyes closed. A few seconds of silence passed before there was anything noise.

“Jesse.” The blonde rasped, her throat clearly dry and sore. Slowly her eyes began to open. Amanda squinting at the brightness of the room after so long being in darkness.

“Oh, Amanda.” Olivia said quietly, tears of relief filling her eyes as she stands from her seat, turning her back to the blonde and grabbing a beaker of water. Taking a deep breath, the older woman turns back to face Amanda putting the straw carefully to her lips.

“Thanks. Where’s Jesse?” The blonde asks, her speech sluggish due to the pain in her throat and overwhelming haze that is currently taking up residence in her mind.

“She’s with Lucy. She’s been to see you every evening since you’ve been in here. I made sure of it.” Olivia clarified, not wanting Amanda to think her daughter had been kept from her even when in the hospital.

“How long, how long have I been in here?” Amanda asks confused.

“A little over two weeks.” The older woman tells her.

“Why? I was only shot.” Amanda asks, suddenly very confused. 

“I don’t know. The doctor wouldn’t tell me. In fact, I should go get him now that you’re awake.” Olivia told Amanda before disappearing from the room in a hurry. Once outside the room, the older woman leant against the wall and let her tears fall. All the stress and pain that had built up over the last seventeen days leaving her body in the form of her salty tears streaming down her face.

“Lieutenant, is everything ok?” the familiar voice of Amanda’s doctor asked after approaching the crying woman.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Amanda is awake.” She told him.

“Ok, I’m going to go check on her, can you wait out here until I’m done?” He asked, knowing he needed to discuss private things with the injured detective now that she was out of her medically induced coma.

Olivia nodded, the doctor then entering the blonde woman’s room. Once alone again, Olivia slid down the wall to a crouched position, her elbows on her thighs, her tears still falling freely. The lieutenant has no idea how long she crouched down like that before the doctor reappears. Her thighs and calves are burning like hell as she returns to a standing position.

“Well, Lieutenant. Detective Rollins has agreed that I can tell you the full extent of her situation.” The doctor said solemnly, instantly putting Olivia into a panic.

“O-O-Ok.” She stutters slowly, eyeing the doctor nervously.

“We should take a seat.” The doctor motions to the chairs lining the hall a little further down the corridor. Olivia nods and follows him on shaky legs.

“Ok, here is the situation. You know of Amanda’s injuries because of the gunshot. The trajectory of bullet also caused irreparable damage to her uterus, meaning we had to also perform a hysterectomy.” He tells her, pausing to allow the woman to take in the information. Olivia’s mouth opening and closing a few times before she finds her voice.

“That is, wow, ok.” Olivia responds, trying to take in the extra information.

“There’s one more thing.” The doctor says, causing Olivia to downright scowl at him this time.

“Detective Rollins’ heart stopped, as you’re aware. That was due to the Ketamine the EMT gave her in the ambulance. Something that would usually be completely harmless considering her injuries. However, your detective had a large amount of amphetamine in her system, causing an overload on her heart.” The doctor tells her. His face barely hiding his opinion on the matter.

“She what?” Olivia asks, sure she have just misheard him.

“Your detective is a drug addict.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Your detective is a drug addict.”

The doctors last words reverberated around Olivia’s head. Those six words seemingly on an endless loop as she sits slumped in the hospital issue hard plastic chair she had occupied at the doctor’s suggestion a few minutes earlier. He himself long gone.

Everything inside of the seasoned special victim’s unit Lieutenant was telling her to confront her detective. To find out why. How long. What the hell she had been thinking. Had she even been thinking. To admonish Amanda for her downright stupid actions. But she couldn’t. Olivia was frozen in place, superglued to her chair, unable to fully comprehend the severity, stupidity of the situation.

Standing abruptly from her seat, her fists clenched tightly at her sides, Olivia begins to make her way slowly back down the corridor towards Amanda’s room. Stopping outside the door, the brunette takes a deep breath, looking at the solid wooden barrier between her and the object of her affections. Her emotions schooled, her face devoid of the internal turmoil, war of emotions. With one more deep, steadying breath, Olivia turns and walks away. Leaving the intensive care unit, and the hospital entirely.

Fin entered the hospital following his expedition to collect his partners daughter. The small blonde-haired figure of Jesse Rollins on his hip. The toddler had chatted relentlessly throughout the whole journey to the hospital. Most of it nonsensical toddler talk that Fin had barely understood, mixed with a few things about ‘Livvy’, as Jesse liked to refer to her, and her mama. It reminded Fin of when Alejandro was a toddler, and what he had to look forward to when his grandson was a year or two older. It filled him with a sense of pride, the way his partner had overcome so much and was bringing up a perfect little girl.

Opening the door to Amanda’s room quietly, he instantly noticed the blonde woman was alone. Her eyes closed, her demeanour peaceful. He assumed she hadn’t yet woken up, and that Olivia had gone to get some coffee, or make a call, since she was nowhere to be seen.

“Mama.” Jesse squeals loudly, wriggling in Fin’s arms to try and get to where her mother is lying. Something she had done every single time the toddler had visited with Olivia.

“Jessekins.” Amanda rasps quietly, her throat still majorly sore from seventeen days of having a breathing tube shoved down it. The noise surprises both Fin and Amanda’s daughter in the process. The older man snapping his head up to regard his partner with a goofy smile.

“You’re awake” Fin says dumbly, earning a slight nod from Amanda, before she holds her arms out for fin to pass her, her squirming daughter. Fin happily obliges, lowering the rail next to the bed on Amanda’s right side and placing Jesse next to woman’s leg. Amanda’s left hand instinctively beginning to thread carefully through her daughters tangled hair.

“Mama, Livvy stay me.” Jesse tells her mother excitedly, effectively interrupting any adult conversation for a moment.

“Has she? You been havin’ fun?” Amanda asks, trying to hide the grimace of the pain taking over her throat as she tries to match the toddlers’ enthusiasm. However, the injured woman can’t help but grin at her daughter when she nods enthusiastically.

“Talking of Liv, where is she?” Fin asks.

“Hell, if I know.” Amanda answers before swallowing roughly. Fin picking up her beaker and placing her straw between her lips for her to sip some of the cool water in a bid to sooth her scratchy throat. “Thanks. The last I saw of her she was going to get the doc. He’s since been in and checked me out, asked some shi, stuff and left.” Amanda explains.

“Mmmm, strange.” Fin mumbles under his breath, suddenly concerned. The whole shooting had spun his friend for a loop from the start. Especially as he’s certain that if it wasn’t for the fact that Olivia was taking care of Jesse, she wouldn’t have even left Amanda’s side since she was admitted.

“She’s probably just getting coffee, I can’t imagine she’s had much sleep lately. Jesse, she doesn’t sleep a whole lot and she’s definitely an early bird.” Amanda tells Fin, her hand continuing to work through her daughters’ blonde locks.

“Not at all like her mother then.” Fin teases lightly.

“Hey, I was hurt you know.” Amanda grumbles at her partners teasing.

“Mama boo-boo. I kiss better.” Jesse says loudly bursting into the adult conversation, earning a chuckle from both the detectives. The toddler snuggles into her mother’s side, letting out a big yawn as she does.

“I’m going to go update Carisi since he’s stuck at the precinct. Back in a few.” Fin tells Amanda.

“Fin, can you put the rail up? Last thing I need is Jesse fallin’ out and hurtin’ herself, y’know.” The blonde asks, her partner doing as she asked before moving towards the door. Just before he leaves the room he stops, looking back at Amanda for a second.

“I’m glad you’re back with us.”

“Me too.” Amanda responds with a smile before placing a kiss to the crown of Jesse’s head.

Upon leaving Amanda’s room, Fin makes his way down the hall towards the cafeteria, in need of some caffeine himself. He orders himself a large coffee, then pulls out his cell to call Carisi. Toying with the device between his fingers, he contemplates his concerns regarding Olivia’s sudden disappearance for a minute before opting to try calling her first. It’s a few seconds until the cell fires to life;

“You’ve reached the voicemail of Lieutenant Olivia Benson. I cannot take you call right now, please leave a message and I will get back to you.” The voice came through the receiver, only confusing Fin even more. Olivia’s cell was off, her cell was never off, now he was definitely worried. Quickly he dials the precinct department number.

“SVU, Carisi.” The voice comes from the other end of the phone.

“Carisi, its Fin.”

“Hi Fin, how’s Amanda?” the younger man asks.

“She’s awake and seems like her usual self. Listen, is Liv there?” Fin asks.

“No Serg. Last I knew she was with you.” Carisi tells him.

“Nah man, she isn’t here.” Fin answers.

“Should we be worried?” Carisi asks.

“Nah, I’m sure she’s fine. Probably just gettin’ some air. I’ll call you later” Fin tells Carisi, disguising the worry and concern he is actually feeling.

“Ok, bye.” Carisi says before ending the call.

Dialling Olivia’s number again, Fin instantly gets her voicemail. So, he tries the only other person he can think of that she may go to. Alex.

“Cabot.” The woman answers on the second ring.

“Alex, its Fin. You seen Liv?” he asks, wasting no time on pleasantries.

“Not since I was at the hospital no, why?” Alex asks him.

“She left without a word apparently, no one has seen her.” He tells Alex, knowing she wouldn’t accept his half-hearted attempt to hide his concern if he even tried having known him for the last sixteen years.

“Should I be…” she trailed off, interrupted by a shocking, relentless pounding on her front door. “Hang on a sec Fin.” Alex tells him, taking her cell with her towards the door and checking the peephole before even considering opening it. “She’s at the door Fin, I’ll call you back.” Alex tells him before abruptly ending the call.

The blonde attorney opens her front door, automatically standing aside as Olivia is striding through the entrance, whether she was going to be invited in or not.

“What the hell, Alex? Did you know?” Olivia shouts, Alex barely having time to close the door behind the lieutenant before her voice pierces the younger woman’s ears. The blonde woman takes a deep breath, knowing that at least one of them should be calm even though she has zero clue as to what Olivia is talking about right now.

“Did I know what?” Alex asks, confusion showing all over her face.

“Don’t play smart with me Alex, you’re her attorney. You had to know.” Olivia says, her voice still raised.

“Did I know what Olivia?” Alex asks again, keeping her tone as calm as possible, even though Olivia still has the ability to press every single one of her buttons.

“She’s an addict for Christ sake.” Olivia shouts again. The statement clarifying what Olivia is talking about.

“It’s not like you didn’t know that Liv.” Alex tells her sarcastically, even though she is aware of the fact Olivia is talking about drugs and not gambling at this point.

“Don’t screw with me Alex. Did you know?” Olivia shouts, getting right into Alex’s personal space. Little droplets of saliva landing on Alex from the force of Oliva’s words.

“Did. I. Know. What.” Alex asks again, this time accentuating every word and taunting Olivia a little in the process, but never backing away from the brunette woman. Instead squaring her shoulders and standing up a little straighter.

“The drugs Alex. Did you know?” Olivia asks through gritted teeth, the volume level of her voice slightly lower than it had been moments before. Alex turns her back to Olivia, knowing she never had been able to lie to Olivia’s face.

“No.” Alex says, berating herself internally for the shaking in her voice as she speaks.

Olivia grabs Alex’s right shoulder forcefully, spinning her back around so the two women are facing each other. The brunettes’ fingers digging roughly into the younger woman’s flesh. Alex is sure it will bruise tomorrow, but she doesn’t flinch, doesn’t pull away, even if it hurts like hell. Even after all this time, her bullet wound still aggravates her, especially when someone digs their fingers into it.

“Al-Alex.” Olivia finally stutters, releasing her hold on the woman in front of her. Tears forming in her eyes and the anger is suddenly replaced with a different emotion entirely. One Olivia can’t quite grasp right now. Something between hurt, betrayal and anger.

Alex trails her hand down Olivia’s arm, taking the brunettes’ left hand in right and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“You, you knew didn’t you.” Olivia asks in a whisper, her gaze dropped to their linked hands.

“I found out the day I came to the hospital to talk to the doctors.” Alex responds, her voice equally as quiet as Olivia’s was a second before.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Olivia asks, lifting her head to look into the attorney’s eyes.

“You know I couldn’t. Attorney-Client privilege.” Alex says simply, watching the wave of emotions run through the lieutenant’s eyes.

The two women stand, their eyes locked, as Alex tries to work out what Olivia is thinking. She isn’t however prepared for the older woman’s next action as the brunette steps towards her, closing the gap between them. Olivia’s lips on her own startling her. It takes her a second for her brain to catch up before she manages to push on Olivia’s shoulders gently.

“Olivia, don’t.” Alex says, her mind reeling.

“What, I, shit. Alex, I’m sorry.” Olivia stutters. Confused. Even she hadn’t seen that coming. She’d had no warning from her own mind that she was about to step up and kiss Alex.

“You should go.” Alex tells Olivia, having turned her back to the brunette again.

“Wait, Alex. Let me explain.” Olivia almost begs.

“No, Olivia, just go.” Alex responds, her voice rising slightly.

“Why?” Olivia asks, now very confused. Gently taking Alex’s bicep in her fingers to turn her around and look at her.

Alex however doesn’t look at her. As Olivia turns her around, their bodies close once again, the blonde kisses Olivia. The brunette’s lips instantly accepting the kiss and responding, the exact opposite of what Alex had done moments before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, please don’t hate me. The only thing I’m going to say is that this is NOT going to be an Amanda/Olivia/Alex love triangle. Even though at this moment in time it looks like it…. Hit review, please :) x


	7. Chapter 7

Alex however doesn’t look at her. As Olivia turns her around, their bodies close once again, the blonde kisses Olivia. The brunette’s lips instantly accepting the kiss and responding, the exact opposite of what Alex had done moments before.

The intensity of their lip lock increases, the long anticipated, or missed, feeling of Olivia’s plump lips on her own causing Alex to whimper, parting her own mouth to allow the noise to escape. Olivia taking the opportunity of the slight parting to sneak her tongue into Alex’s mouth. Their tongues tangling together, playfully battling against each other with an overwhelmingly familiar sense of vigour. Alex’s hands resting carefully on Olivia’s hips, Olivia’s hands buried deep in tangled, long blonde locks seeking to draw Alex impossibly close to her.

Olivia breaks the kiss first, the bodies requirement for air becoming far too great, but she doesn’t stop. She trails her mouth along Alex’s jaw, down her neck with languid ease when Alex moves her head to allow Olivia better access, until she is sucking harshly on Alex’s throbbing pulse point. Nipping at the sensitive skin with her teeth, before sucking it back into her mouth to sooth it with her tongue. Olivia’s hands roam the body before her, freeing themselves from Alex’s no messy hair, across her shoulders and down to her hips. The strong extremities edging under Alex’s casual sweater to meet the bare flesh of her hips.

It’s that movement that brings Alex crashing back to earth. The feeling of Olivia’s hands on her skin suddenly causing Alex’s brain to begin to function. She shouldn’t be doing this, she doesn’t want to do this. For her own mental sanity more than anything. Olivia is in love with Amanda, whether she’s upset or hurting or not, the fact still remains.

“Liv.” Alex tries to get the lieutenant’s attention, even though her voice is more of a strangled moan.

“Olivia.” Alex tries again, but Olivia’s hands taking the material of Alex’s sweater between her hands in a motion to remove the garment.

“Olivia, stop.” Alex says, finally finding her voice, albeit louder than she had intended, which causes Olivia to startle somewhat.

“What Al?” Olivia asks, clearly confused. Alex had kissed her. Well, she had kissed Alex, Alex had pulled away, but then Alex had kissed her, and now Alex was stopping, again.

A long deafening silence extends between the two women, Olivia’s hands unmoving but still in place against the bare skin of Alex’s hips, Alex’s hands resting on Olivia’s hips lightly.

“We can’t Olivia, I can’t.” Alex tells her, having finally managed to catch her breath. “You’re in love with Amanda, and us, this, it isn’t fair on her if you’re going to pursue her.”

“I don’t know what to do about Amanda right now Al.” Olivia tells the woman in front of her.

“It isn’t fair to me Liv, you know full well I still love you, I always will, and I accepted that we never going to work a long time ago. Please, go, figure out what you want. But I cannot do this.” Alex tells her, her hands waving between them, tears balanced precariously on her long lashes.

Olivia releases a long sigh, she knows Alex is right. Sleeping with the blonde attorney, whilst not meaningless, wouldn’t have been fair to her. Olivia was completely sure she is in love with Amanda, she just wasn’t sure if love would be enough knowing now what she knows.

“I should go.” Olivia eventually tells Alex, taking a step backwards, away from her.

“Yeah.” Alex whispers in response.

Olivia moves around Alex, making her way to the door. She stops momentarily, her hand balanced unsteadily on the handle before turning to look at the exhausted and hurt figure of Alex, who hadn’t yet made any attempt to move from her previous position.

“Alex, I’m sorry.” Olivia simply tells her before leaving without waiting for a response.

Fin was relieved that Olivia was ok at least, but he had a feeling the fact that his superior and friend had sought out the executive assistant district attorney, was not going to bode well for any of the three women. Unbeknownst to anyone, Fin knew all about the history Alex and Olivia had shared. He also knew how his friend felt about his partner. What he didn’t know, and what concerned him the most, was why Amanda had been kept in a medically induced coma and why Olivia had run off whilst he was getting Jesse.

The seasoned detective re-entered Amanda’s hospital room in the intensive care unit with his coffee in hand. Expecting to find Amanda and Jesse interacting and for the detective to just be enjoying seeing her daughter. However, the sight before him was something entirely different. Amanda was fast asleep, Jesse held protectively in one arm. The toddler curled into her mother’s side also resting. Amanda looked peaceful, the slightest hint of a smile formed on her lips. The rhythmic beeping of the heart monitoring machine in the background. The older detective had to smile, he never saw his partner this relaxed. Amanda always seemed to appear tormented, agitated or anxious.

Removing his cell from his jacket pocket, Fin took a quick snap and sent it to Olivia. He knew his friend would appreciate it and he hoped, prayed even, that it would stop her from making any rash decisions where Alex was concerned.

Fin sat himself down in the chair beside Amanda’s bed. His eyes roaming the features of his partner, the sunken-ness of her eyes, the dark shadows beneath her eyes, the paleness of her skin, the little beads of sweat lining her forehead on her hair line. As if someone had switched a light on in his brain, he suddenly knew. He definitely should have seen it earlier. Eight years working for narcotics, and not once did it occur to him that Amanda was submerging herself in that life, until now.

“God ‘Manda, why girl?” Fin whispered into the clinical air of the hospital room. Placing his elbows on his knees and leaning forward, the older detective dropped his head into his hands. He wanted nothing more than to protect his partner, but he hadn’t even seen the signs. Fin’s anger at himself rises, unbidden tears forming in his eyes as he stands abruptly and begins pacing around the room. He has no idea how much time passes before his actions are brought to sudden halt by a voice, Amanda’s voice.

“Fin, where’s Liv?” Amanda rasps.

“How long Amanda?” Fin asks with a sorrowful half glare shooting in his partners direction, totally ignoring her question.

Amanda doesn’t answer his question either, she lowers her head in shame instead, her eyes glancing at her peacefully sleeping daughter lead cuddled into her side. With the obvious ignorance at his question, Fin begins to pace again, a long time passing before Amanda finally speaks.

“On and off since Patton’s trial.” The blonde detective finally admits.

“I’m so sorry Amanda, I shoulda seen it, I shoulda helped you partner.” Fin says, the guilt at his own ignorance too much for him to handle.

“No, Fin, this is on me. I let you down, I let Jesse down, god, I even let Liv down.” Amanda says, her bottom lip quivering and blue eyes filling with unshed tears.

“You shoulda come to me.” Fin tells her, Amanda nodding in response since she knows her partner is right. Fin would have helped her without so much as a blink of the eye. He’d cleared her gambling debts on more than one occasion, he’d always been there for the blonde, even when nobody else was. But, instead of trusting him, Amanda had fallen deeper and deeper into another addiction, choosing to go it alone rather than seek the help she knew she needed.

“Fin, I need to talk to Liv, I know the doctor told her. D’you know where she is?” Amanda asks after another long silence filled only with quiet sobs and the squeaking of her partners shoes on the hospital linoleum as he continues to pace the room.

“She’s at Alex’s apartment.” Fin says simply before even thinking about the words leaving his mouth.

“Oh.” Amanda responds. A wave of hurt and jealousy washing over her. It isn’t that she didn’t expect it, if the situation was reversed she would probably do the same. She sure as hell wouldn’t even consider hanging around to find out where she stood with someone that was in her position.

“It’s not what you think ‘Manda.” Fin tells her with a sigh before returning to the chair beside her bed. “I’m sure she just needed some time to clear her head.”

“So, she runs off to Cabot?” Amanda snaps quietly before she can even control herself.

“Come on partner, the doctor would only share your full medical information with Alex until you woke up and consented. You know Liv, she’s probably pissed as hell at Alex and giving her an earful.” Fin tries to reason, even though he himself is sceptical.

“Or and eyeful.” Amanda snaps again.

“You know their history. If it’s a problem, why did you go to Alex with the legal stuff? There’s other lawyers around” Fin asks, trying to understand what is going on with Amanda.

“I have seen the way Alex looks at her.” Amanda says, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I knew I could count on Alex to put Liv first regardless of attorney/client privilege if the need ever arose.”

“Come on man, you gotta be kiddin’ me?” Fin exclaims, his anger rising once again. A very unusual thing for the normally stoic detective.

Amanda stayed silent, she knew her partner was beyond pissed at her right now. She’d betrayed his trust, used his friend and hurt his friend and boss in the process. All to make sure her daughter was looked after by the best possible person she could ask for.

“Alex has been in love with Liv for sixteen years Amanda, and Liv? Liv’s been in love with you since the moment you two met.” Fin told her with a raised voice, the raging anger inside of him beginning to get the better of him.

“What?” Amanda asks with surprise.

“Don’t tell me you did know.” Fin snaps.

“I didn’t, how could I? She never said anything to me.” Amanda begins to snap back, jostling Jesse a little in the process.

“The whole precinct can see it Amanda. How could you be so stupid?” Fin shouts, the door behind him opening as Jesse simultaneously lets out a wail due to being ripped from her nap by the noise.

“Fin, calm down. I could hear you down the hall. Can you take Jesse and take a walk? I need to talk to Rollins.” Olivia asks, having just arrived back at the hospital with the full intention of finding out what she needed to know to help Amanda out of this situation. She may never be able to trust her again, but one thing Olivia was sure of was that she would help her detective. As the special victim’s unit’s lieutenant. Fin nods, and takes Jesse from the bed, scowling at Amanda as he does and leaves the two women alone.

“Really Liv? You’re going to Rollins me now?” Amanda snaps at her.

“What do you expect from me Amanda? You have no regard for yourself, the squad or Jesse. I’m here as your boss right now, nothing more.” Olivia tells her, trying desperately to school the anger and hurt that is devastating her so that the younger detective can’t see.

“Gee, thanks Liv, you can go.” Amanda tells her in resignation, carefully turning onto her side to position her back to the woman she is in love with so that she can’t see the tears streaming down her face.

Against her better judgement, Olivia moves towards the side of the bed, gently placing her hand on Amanda’s back. Even with the feelings of crushing hurt and anger Olivia can’t help but want to comfort the hurting woman in front of her.

“We’ll get you through this Amanda.” Olivia says softly, finally having managed to calm herself down marginally.

“Liv, just go fuck Cabot already and leave me the hell alone.” Amanda snaps.

Olivia opens her mouth to argue, to tell Amanda that she is wrong about her situation with Alex, just as the piercing shrill of the heart monitoring machine begins to ring out inside of the room. Olivia’s brown eyes dart from her hand on Amanda’s back straight to the machine just in time to see her rapidly erratic heartbeat disappear to a solid, flat line.


	8. Chapter 8

The constant ear-splitting beep of the heart rate monitor in alarm mode pierces through Amanda’s hospital room. Panic filling Olivia in an instant, she knows all to well what that sound means. There is no way this could be happening, not again. How could Amanda’s heart just stop, again. Twice in less than three weeks.

How?

Why?

Olivia stands, unmoving, her hand still resting against the again lifeless body of the woman in the bed before her. It’s all of a second before she is being pushed aside by a barrage of nurses and doctors, one nurse escorting her from the room entirely. The nurse leaves Olivia stood outside before rushing back into the room. The lieutenant collapsing back against the wall before sliding down it, her knees pulled up towards her chest, her head resting in her hands. She feels numb. It’s the only thing Olivia can comprehend, nothing. This cannot be happening.

“Fight Amanda, you have to fight.” Olivia mumbles under her breath, over and over again.

“Lieutenant?” Someone said from beside where Olivia was sat, causing her to look up.

Amanda’s doctor stood beside her, the short shaggy blonde-haired man she had met almost three weeks ago when her detective had made it through surgery. His face was almost expressionless now, the slightest hint of sorrow escaping from behind his almost robotic expression.

“No,” Olivia muttered, reacting to what she could seemingly read from his face.

The doctor held his hands up in a placating gesture, trying his best to calm the woman in front of him that was quickly about to become hysterical.

“Wait, wait, we got detective Rollins back.” He tells Olivia before she can have a complete meltdown and go off the deep-end.

“What?” Olivia asks for clarification, her expression both weary and confused.

“She’s alive.” The doctor tells her again.

“But?” Olivia asks, sensing something he hasn’t told her yet.

“Her heart is weak, which could be from the surgery and the strain the gunshot wound has put on her body. Whilst she was in a medically induced coma, everything was regulated for her. Now her body is working by itself, the damage is becoming clear. Or, it could be…” He explains before trailing off.

“The drugs.” Olivia says finitely, the doctor nodding in acknowledgment. She knows it’s more likely that the drugs have caused damage to Amanda’s heart.

“She had an arrhythmia, which in turn caused her heart to stop. Now, my nurses tell me there was shouting just before that happened.” He says, causing Olivia to look down. “Your detective needs to avoid any stress, any at all. Undue stress will cause her body to react, meaning her heart also. She needs support right now, not berating for her actions. Ok?” The doctor finally says.

“Of course, sorry. That won’t happen again.” Olivia tells him.

“Ok, she’s a little groggy, but awake. She needs people around her lieutenant. She won’t make it through this without them.” The doctor finally says before turning and walking away down the long, almost deserted, corridor.

Olivia remains seated for a long time, trying to take in everything the doctor had just said to her. Amanda’s heart was weak, Olivia had once again nearly lost her and that was not something the lieutenant was about to let happen. She resolved to make this easier on Amanda. Chances are she felt bad enough about it all right now, without Olivia and the rest of her colleagues, her friends, laying into her as well.

Fin walked down the hallway, Jesse’s hand firmly in his own as the small blonde-haired toddler walked beside him clumsily. He was watching the child as she chatted animatedly to him, about what he didn’t know. Grinning and supplying a few comments here and there to appease the child’s words. Finally looking up, he noticed an anguished looking Olivia sat slumped against the wall.

“Liv, what happened?” Fin asks with concern, scooping Jesse up in the process.

“Livvy.” Jesse squeals in excitement. “See mama?” She asks.

Looking up, Olivia fixes her emotions, plastering a smile on her lips that doesn’t reach her eyes. The lieutenant stands, stretching her arms out to take Jesse from Fin.

“Yes, sweet girl, we will see mama.” Olivia tells Jesse before turning her attention to Fin. “Her heart stopped again Fin.” Olivia says sombrely.

“What?” Fin exclaims, suddenly overcome with worry.

“The doctor said the stress caused an arrhythmia which stopped her heart. I don’t fully understand.” Olivia explains, Fin nodding in response.

“The drugs.” He simply says, knowing all too well.

“God, Fin, how long has this been going on?” Olivia asks, not really expecting an answer since she knows that if Fin had known he would have helped Amanda.

“She told me earlier when I figured it out, since Patton’s trial.” Fin tells her, Olivia’s head snapping from Jesse to the detective stood in front of her.

“That’s, what? Two, three years?” Olivia mutters in surprise. Fin nodding in acknowledgement. “And she kept it hidden all that time?”

“I didn’t know Liv, I swear.” Fin confirms, even though Olivia knew Fin and she knew he wouldn’t have just let this happen right in front of him.

“Can you, uh, can you keep Jesse for a little while longer? The doctor said Amanda was groggy and I don’t want Jesse to see her like that just yet.” Olivia asks her friend.

“Of course, want me to take her back to the precinct. She can play with uncle Sonny for a couple of hours?” Fin asks.

“Unci Sonny.” Jesse says excitedly, seemingly unaware of the adult’s moods surrounding her.

“Please.” Olivia says.

“Come on munchkin, lets go play with uncle Sonny.” Fin says to Jesse as she takes her from Olivia’s arms. “Look after our girl Liv. Please.”

“Always.” Olivia responds before Fin walks away carrying Jesse tightly in his arms. Protecting his partners daughter from the horrors of the world as if his life depended on it. Olivia watched them leave the intensive care floor before mustering both the energy and the calmness she required to go in and see Amanda.

Taking a deep breath, Olivia knocks on the door to Amanda’s room before pushing the door open slightly.

“Can I come in?” Olivia asks, even though she’s just been walking in for the last few weeks. Now she wasn’t sure Amanda even wanted to see her. Amanda nodded in response, wincing in pain as she did. Olivia cautiously walked into the room, standing uncomfortably just inside of the door, surveying Amanda.

“Where’s Jesse?” Amanda finally asked.

“Fin took her to play with uncle Sonny at the precinct.” Olivia tells Amanda, earning another nod in response to her statement.

“Look, Liv, you don’t have to stay.” Amanda tells Olivia, unable to meet her gaze, instead choosing to stare at her hands wringing nervously in her lap.

“I want to be here.” Olivia tells her, the statement causing Amanda to raise her eyebrow but still not look up.

“What about Cabot?” Amanda asks carefully.

“What about Alex?” Olivia asks, opting to ignore Amanda’s use of the attorney’s surname.

“Liv.” Amanda warns.

“What Amanda?” Olivia asks, trying to work out what her detective is thinking.

“Why are you still here?” Amanda asks, changing the subject entirely. The truth is, she’s jealous of Alex. Alex is irrevocably in love with Olivia, its obvious to everyone that isn’t the lieutenant. Olivia had run off to Alex earlier and that hurt Amanda, but they were just colleagues, friends, so she didn’t know why she was jealous. It wasn’t like she had any right to be after all.

“You’re one of my detectives Amanda.” Olivia said, trying to avoid the truth. The truth was she was there because she couldn’t stand the idea of losing Amanda. The idea of losing the woman she’s in love with was not a thought that was comprehendible.

“Oh.” Amanda responds, dejection clear in her voice for Olivia to hear.

“I want to get you the help you need Amanda, once you’re out of here. I can’t lose you.” Olivia tells Amanda, the last comment causing the blonde detective to finally look up from her hands and meet the dark brown eyes of her lieutenant.

“Why?” Amanda asks, cocking her head to the side slightly as if trying to read Olivia’s thoughts, whilst simultaneously stifling a yawn.

“Rest Amanda, I’ll be here when you wake up.” Olivia tells Amanda, moving towards the chair that had been pushed away from the blonde’s bed prior to the chaos earlier. Olivia pushes the chair towards the bed before sitting herself down onto it.

Amanda turned onto her side, facing Olivia, Olivia offering Amanda a sad smile in return. Amanda shifts slightly, reaching between the safety bars of the bed with her palm up, extending her hand for Olivia to take. Olivia takes the offered extremity without hesitation, giving Amanda’s small hand a squeeze.

“We’ll get you through this Amanda.” Olivia tells her as Amanda’s heavy eyelids begin to close, struggling to remain open.


	9. Chapter 9

Alex walked quickly through the hospital hallways, making her way towards Amanda’s room. The doctor had rung the attorney after Amanda’s had stopped an hour ago, prompting Alex to finish up the required paperwork for the detective. She needed to get this done so that she could stop being dragged into the situation. Alex was all to aware of the pressure the situation was putting on Olivia, and herself with her being around at present. No doubt in her mind that the same pressure was also applying to Amanda since the detective was well aware of Alex’s feelings for Olivia. Amanda had made that fact known when she had originally approached the attorney for the purpose of this task.

Quietly easing the door to Amanda’s room open, the sight before Alex causes her heart to melt. Both women are fast asleep. Olivia is slumped in the unbelievably uncomfortable standard hospital issue plastic chair. Amanda on her side. Both women’s hands joined in a careful embrace. Alex stands watching the slumbering women for a minute before Amanda’s stirs, immediately sensing the presence of someone else in the room. Ever the detective, Alex is surprised it isn’t Olivia who has noticed her first though, the lieutenant seemingly more exhausted than she had been letting on.

“Cabot.” Amanda mumbles quietly once she has shifted her position to see who is there.

“Hi Amanda.” Alex says, keeping her voice low as she steps closer to the bed.

“What are you doing here?” Amanda asks carefully, trying to keep the biting anger out of her tone. Alex Cabot is the last person the blonde detective wants to see right now.

“I thought you might want to get this paperwork signed. Get me out of your hair, you know.” Alex tells Amanda, her tone almost sad but understanding.

“Mmmm, ok. Let’s do this.” Amanda tells Alex, swallowing roughly and wincing as she tries to sit herself up slightly.

Alex watches carefully from her position stood beside Amanda’s bed, Olivia’s hand still held securely in the blonde detectives mostly for fear of dropping it and waking the lieutenant.

“Can I?” Alex asks almost nervously, motioning to Olivia’s hand. Amanda gives her a glare before nodding, knowing she will need both of her hands to push herself into a full sitting position.

Alex takes Olivia’s hand from Amanda’s grasp, the usually confident attorney shaking with nervousness as she places Olivia’s hand into her lap and quickly steps away from the woman she has been in love with for almost as long as she can remember, momentarily turning her back to both the other women in the room to compose herself.

“Alex, it’s ok. Let’s get this over with.” Amanda says softly, feeling a certain level of anguish for the attorney, knowing the situation has to be hard on her. If the rolls were reversed, Amanda is sure she wouldn’t be handling it as well as Alex is right now. 

Alex takes a deep breath, trying to steady her trembling hands before digging in her bag for the paperwork that Amanda needs to sign. Handing the papers to Amanda, there is only a slight tremble in Alex’s limbs, but the shake doesn’t go unnoticed by Amanda who looks up to meet the attorney’s piercing blue eyes. Looking at her properly for the first time since she had entered the room.

Amanda’s eyes flash with an unspoken anger, her lips pressed tightly together. 

“W-What?” Alex asks with a stutter, wondering what just happened to change Amanda’s demeanour.

Amanda doesn’t say anything, she quickly glances at Olivia before beginning to check through the papers in her hands.

“Pen?” Amanda asks shortly once she has read them through and is happy with the content. Alex hands her the pen she had been fidgeting with, Amanda quickly scribbling her name and handing them back to her.

“Ok, I’ll get these filed then we’re done.” Alex tells Amanda before turning to leave.

“Alex?” Amanda says, surprising the woman with the use of her first name since Amanda hasn’t used it in months.

“Yes?” Alex responds.

“Do you have court this afternoon?” Amanda asks, her tone clipped and to the point.

“No, why?” Alex answers confused by the question that has just escaped Amanda’s mouth, unsure as to why the detective would want to know her schedule.

“Never mind.” Amanda says dismissively, effectively waving Alex to leave. The attorney obliging without hesitation.

Alex leaves Amanda’s hospital room, heading to the nearest rest room. In desperate need of a moment alone to compose herself after being in a room with a woman she is in love with and the woman Olivia is in love with.

Entering the rest room, Alex flicks the lock on the door and slumps back against it, finally allowing the tears she had been holding back due to her own sadness of losing Olivia for good, to fall down the pale skin of her face. Alex remains like that for a couple of minutes before composing herself. She walks across the small room to the sink, splashing some cold water on her face to erase the tear stains. That is when the mark on her neck catches her eye.

Apparently, her encounter with Olivia a little while earlier had resulted in the lieutenant leaving an almighty love bite on the otherwise unblemished and pale skin of her neck. Running her long fingers over the mark, Alex can’t help but sigh, the pain inside of her increasing tenfold.

“Oh Liv.” Alex sobs to herself, before she catches herself. Realising there is no way Amanda didn’t see that.

Alex almost wishes she had realised it was there, so she could have covered it up, Almost. Pulling her cell from her pocket, Alex types out a quick text message.

Just seen Amanda to sign the papers, I’m sure she noticed the huge hickey you gave me. Thanks for that by the way, good luck. A x

Alex hits send, washing her face again before leaving the hospital and Olivia behind.

In Amanda’s room, the blonde detective was stewing, her anger rising almost beyond control. Being a detective, Amanda is far from stupid. Knowing that Olivia had been with Alex earlier in the day, and the fact that someone like Cabot would not, knowingly, walk around with a mark of that size on display for all to see. Amanda put two and two together and figured it must have been Olivia that had given it to her. Even after the protests from Olivia not having had sex with Alex, Amanda was now assuming that her lieutenant was lying to her.

Leaning slightly to grab her cup of water from the table beside her bed, Amanda carefully guided the straw to her lips, sucking the cool liquid into her mouth through it to sooth the constant pain that had been in her throat since she had woken earlier in the day.

At the exact moment Amanda had finished taking a sip of her drink, Olivia’s cell chimed indicating an incoming text message, the noise disturbing the lieutenants slumber.

With Amanda already in an anger fuelled haze, the noise pushes her temper over the edge. The younger, blonde detective launching her nearly full plastic cup of water at Olivia. The older woman just beginning to return to consciousness is startled awake by the sudden wetness that she feels, causing her to jump from her seat.

“What the hell Amanda.” Olivia exclaims once her brain catches up with what just happened.

“So, you’re not fucking Cabot huh?” Amanda snaps, her cheeks flushed with the torrent of emotions coursing through her veins.

“We’re going to do this again?” Olivia sighed with exasperation, trying to shake off some of the excess water now seeping through her clothes

“Come on Olivia. Don’t treat me like I’m stupid.” Amanda says with a raised voice, her pupils dilated, and fists clenched at her sides on the bed.

“I’m not. Not that its any of your business, but I haven’t slept with Alex.” Olivia fires back, her own tone starting to match that of Amanda’s.

“You’re telling me you went to hers earlier, gave her a massive ass hickey and left?” Amanda exclaims.

“What are you talking about Amanda?” Olivia asks, her voice calming slightly as she remembers the last time only an hour or so ago that Amanda had got stressed.

“Cabot came by for me to finalise my paper work. Work out the rest yourself.” Amanda shouts. Olivia stands stunned for a second, trying to comprehend what Amanda is saying. The moment is interrupted by the chime of Olivia’s phone for a second time, the reminder to the first noise that had begun to awaken her.

Pulling her cell from her pocket, Olivia read the message, sighing in frustration. This was not the situation she wanted to be in, not today, not ever.

“I’m guessing that’s Cabot since you’re more interested in your phone than talking to me right now.” Amanda scoffs.

“Amanda, it’s not what you think.” Olivia says softly.

“What do I think Olivia?” Amanda shouts, the volume of her voice rising further than before. The monitor for her heart beginning to beep erratically. The noise causing Olivia to instantly hold back and calm herself down.

“Amanda, please, calm down. I can’t take your heart stopping again. Please.” Olivia begs

“Why, why can’t you take it Olivia.” Amanda snaps again.

“Because I’m in love with you Amanda.” Olivia shouts, suddenly snapping at the whole conversation, before taking a deep breath. “I’m in love with you.”

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Please don’t berate me for any mistakes. The idea just came to me, I wasn’t intending to update this today and was rapidly running out of time before I have to get to work. All mistakes are my own! Hit review please :) x


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

“I’m in love with you.” Olivia utters quietly having taken a steadying breath to calm herself amongst the argument that was guaranteed to unfold if she hadn’t.

Both women stunned into an uneasy silence, Olivia gazing around the room. Anywhere but at her blonde detective in the hospital bed, eventually settling on an undetermined point on the hospital standard white wash walls. Amanda has her gaze trained intently on Olivia, her lips slightly parted in surprise at the words that have just been echoed by her lieutenant. Resonating around her mind on a seemingly unbelievable loop.

“Huh?” Amanda finally asks, after minutes of trying to grasp a hold of Olivia’s words tumbling around inside of her brain.

“Don’t make me repeat it again Rollins.” Olivia grumbles in exasperation, her eyes still fixed at that point on the wall.

“You’re really, did you, what?” Amanda stutters, unable to believe what has just been spilled from Olivia’s lips. The blondes head tilted to the side slightly whilst she contemplates and tries to digest the admission.

Long minutes of quiet fall over Amanda’s hospital room, both women lost in their own thoughts regarding their current situation until Olivia begins to shift uncomfortably. Overwhelmed with the desire to escape the room, to run away from the potentially unmatched feelings of her subordinate.

“I should just, uh.” Olivia says, trailing off before pointing over her shoulder towards the door, before turning on her heel and moving towards the exit of the room.

“Liv, wait.” Amanda says urgently pushing herself into a more seated position as Olivia stops in her haphazard tracks towards the door, her back now to the blonde’s bed. Olivia’s shoulders clearly tense, her posture obviously uncomfortable as she considers her next move. Run away or face the Pandora’s box she has apparently just opened.

“Why Amanda? I need to know why.” Olivia begs, still refusing to turn around and face the woman she has fallen in love with.

“Why what?” Amanda asks, confused by the question. Is Olivia asking her why she should wait? Why the drugs? Why the medical power of attorney and Jesse? Why she feels that way about Amanda? If Amanda thought she was confused, Olivia was clearly matching her level of confusion at present. Unsure of how they proceed from this point.

“I don’t know. All of it?” Olivia sighs, clearly exasperated with the whole set of circumstances.

“Liv, turnaround. Look at me.” Amanda asks quietly, suddenly unsure of herself when the request leaves her lips. The request doesn’t fall on deaf ears though, and slowly Olivia turns to face the hospital bed once more. Keeping her eyes glued to the floor though since she is sure that everything she is feeling right now would be seen should she meet Amanda’s penetrating blue orbs.

“I shouldn’t have said anything.” Olivia finally tells Amanda.

“Why? Because I’m venerable? Because I’m in the hospital? Because I don’t feel the same way?” Amanda asks, the questions finally causing Olivia to look up and meet Amanda’s eyes.

“Exactly.” Olivia says simply, shrugging to emphasise her uncertainty.

“Yes, I am a mess. There’s no point me even denying that at this point is there? But Liv, you’re wrong. I do feel the same way. I have for, for a long time.” Amanda says quietly, her gaze wandering to her hands resting on top of the hospital sheets, the slightest hint of a blush creeping up her neck.

“I need to know.” Olivia says simple, earning a questioning look from Amanda. “The, uh, the drugs Amanda. How long, why, what were you thinking?” Amanda takes a deep breath, she knew she would have to explain, or try to, sooner or later.

“I wasn’t. Thinking I mean. Jesse, she was, is, such a handful. She wouldn’t sleep, I was exhausted all the time. It started as a hit once in a while to get me through the day. You know? Then before I knew it, it was, I was out of control. I couldn’t stop. It was every day, more than once a day. I just, I had no help and I was, am alone, raising an extremely energetic toddler that seems to thrive on zero sleep.” Amanda told her lieutenant.

“You have help, support. You only had to ask.” Olivia tells Amanda, hurt that the blonde detective had never approached her or anyone else for help, hurt that Amanda had clearly been struggling and no one had noticed.

“I know. I may not have, but I see it now. I’m so sorry Liv, so so sorry.” Amanda stutters, tears falling from her eyes as she speaks.

“Oh, ‘Manda.” Olivia says soothingly, moving towards the side of the blonde’s bed and taking her hand.

“I’m so sorry Liv. I really screwed up this time.” Amanda mumbles between tears and heart wrenching sobs, clinging to Olivia’s hand as if her life depends on it.

“Shhh sweetie, we’ll get you through this. I promise we will.” Olivia tries to sooth the distraught woman in front of her.

“How? Fin knows, Cabot knows. It’s in my medical records. I’m done Liv, I’ll be out of the department. Hell, I might even end up upstate if they think I was high on duty. All the perps we have put away in the last two years will challenge their convictions. I’ve screwed this up massively.” Amanda rambles, her tears still streaming as she struggles to find words.

“Hey, hey, calm down. Fin would rather get you help than snitch. No one is going to find out about this. We’re going to get you help, get you sorted, and then we’re going to move on. You’re going to get through this Amanda. I promise.” Olivia tells her, trying to reassure the rapidly escalating emotions of the injured woman in front of her.

“And Cabot?” Amanda asks cautiously.

“We will fix this Amanda. Just calm down ok? Jesse needs you. I need you. The squad needs you” Olivia says in a calming voice, trailing her free hand through Amanda’s unruly blonde locks.

A long while passes with Olivia continuing her comforting actions to relax Amanda while maintaining a palpable silence. Amanda’s body shifting slightly so she ends up leaning into the body of her lieutenant. Olivia speaking reassuring words to the clearly concerned and distraught blonde.

“So, you’re in love with me huh?” Amanda finally asks, pulling her body away from Olivia’s to give her a cheeky smirk.

“Zip it Rollins.” Olivia teases back, tucking a stray piece of blonde hair behind Amanda’s ear affectionately.

“What happens now?” Amanda asks, the stoic expression rapidly back on her face.

“Well, you have to get discharged first, but after that, I’m guessing rehab. We need to speak to the doctor first and see what his recommendation is. Although he hasn’t said so much, I’m assuming they put you in the medically induced coma to give your body time to get the Amphetamine out of your system and allow your heart and injuries time to heal without the effects of withdrawal as well.” Olivia surmises.

“Makes sense I guess.” Amanda answers.

“Would you, you know, be willing to go to rehab?” Olivia asks carefully, trying to gauge the blonde woman’s feelings regarding the matter.

“What about Jesse? She’s going to think I left her.” Amanda says thoughtfully.

“You almost did Amanda. More than once.” Olivia tells her solemnly without skipping a beat. “You need to get better. Jesse is good with me for a while, if that’s what it takes.”

“Let’s see what the doctor suggests.” Amanda responds rationally after taking a heavy breath.

“I will say this though, whatever the doctor suggests, once you’re out of here, you’re staying with me, or Fin. If he doesn’t tell you to go to rehab.” Olivia tells Amanda sternly.

“Ok.” Amanda agrees without so much as a fight. “I want help Liv, I do. I want to get better. Jesse doesn’t deserve a junkie mother as well as an absent father.”

“Good, because that daughter of yours, she’s a precious little girl. Smart and beautiful, just like her mother. She deserves the world Amanda.” Olivia tells the blonde, earning a bashful smile from Amanda as she speaks.

“Amanda.” Comes a voice from the door causing both women to focus their attention away from the other. Olivia quickly stepping back from the edge of the bed when she notices the looming figure of none other the Lieutenant Declan Murphy entering the room.

**Author's Note:**

> As is normal with anything I write.... I have a vague plan, but it never goes to plan so we will see where this goes. Read and review, share your thoughts and enjoy the ride. Thanks :) x


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